


Never Have I Ever

by wreathed



Category: British Comedy RPF, Just Puddings (Web Series), Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster (Podcast)
Genre: Drinking Games, Flirting, M/M, Never Have I Ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-27 07:21:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20403859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wreathed/pseuds/wreathed
Summary: Ed and James play Never Have I Ever.





	Never Have I Ever

**Author's Note:**

> Someone wonderful definitely posted the premise of Ed and James playing Never Have I Ever and Ed listing James’s scrapes, but it was too long ago for me to find the message again. Shout if it was you, please.

“Never have I ever almost lost a shoe during a skydive,” Ed says smartly, his finger running around the rim of his glass of neat whisky.

James stays watching the trace of Ed’s finger until he belatedly realises what he’s doing and flicks his gaze back up. Ed is looking right at him, amused.

“I’m starting to think,” James replies, already three sugary-lemony-sour shots down, the taste bright in his mouth, “that I shouldn’t have entered into a game of one-on-one Never Have I Ever after publishing a bestselling book describing situations no-one else but me has been in.”

“Sure,” Ed says. “Still, we’re here now, aren’t we.”

*

“Sex! You must have done lots of sex stuff I haven’t done,” James says, feeling advanced coordination slip from under him like a tablecloth in a magic trick and a smaller than usual amount of embarrassment over highlighting his lack of personal prowess. They’ve been at this for a while now; the remainder of Ed’s other guests have come over to where they’re sitting on the floor to say their goodbyes and called it a night, leaving party detritus and a mildly foreboding sense of scope to the situation. Ed has a history of below-the-belt tactics when it’s just the two of them.

“Er, so you apparently have me down as a massive slag, yet you regularly hit on women using an approach I can only describe as ‘frightened scattergun’. Okay.”

“If you know your favourite dish in the whole world is available,” James says, ignoring Ed, “why would you order anything else?”

“In case there’s something better out there you haven’t tried yet,” Ed says as if he’s talking to a idiot, which James thinks isn’t very fair.

“All right,” James says. “Never have I ever had a threesome.”

Ed doesn’t drink.

“Damnit,” James says.

“Sure we can get one arranged if you’re so upset about it,” Ed smirks, and James, realising his skin has gone all flushed, glares.

*

Ed gets through a couple more scrapes and James goes with a couple of things he’s not really sure Ed’s done but, he has to admit, he’s curious. (Ed hasn’t done them, it turns out. Even at university.)

“Never have I ever… had a lovely time with a penis in my mouth.” James tries, narrowing his eyes in a way that he hopes make him look shrewd.

“Oh, you are definitely going to have to be more specific.”

“That is as specific as I’m comfortable being.”

After staring at him for a few seconds, Ed has a benevolent change of heart and takes a big gulp of his drink without James having to resort to more unambiguous terminology. James, tipsy, feels his eyes watch Ed’s throat as he swallows.

“See, I knew you had! You went to boarding school.”

“I didn’t go to _boarding school_, James, as you know. Just a normal private school. Anyway, it wasn’t at school. It was… later on.”

“Oh,” James finds himself saying. “Right. I’d assumed that – if you had – you’d filed it off as a regrettable youthful indiscretion.”

“No,” Ed says, a little distantly. “It was pretty recently and it was, uh, not regret-inducing. It was good.”

“Right,” James says. His voice has gone a little high. Maybe that’s because his brain is occupied with the twenty or so different looping images that have just dropped into his brain of Ed… doing that. To someone. That definitely hadn’t been him, but that’s not quite how it looks in his head.

Ed looks at him critically then, as if he thinks James is acting strangely. “Okay,” Ed says slowly. “Change of tack. What about instead of taking a drink every time you’ve done something, you take off an item of clothing.”

“No!” says James, bending one leg at the knee and turning it so that one of his thighs crosses over the other. “I want to keep my dignity intact, thank you very much.”

“Bit late for that, isn’t it,” Ed shrugs.

“What about _you_ take off an item of clothing.”

“Okay,” Ed says cheerfully. “Every time you’ve done something I say, James, I’ll take off an item of your clothing.”

There’s an uncomfortable pause. “That’ll teach you,” James eventually says. 

Great. So now Ed’s going to be undressing him, albeit extremely slowly. His heart starts to beat faster. Is that what he wanted to happen? Is that what _Ed_ wanted to happen? He suggested it – why did he suggest it? He must mean as some sort of joke. He’ll stop after his socks and jumper have gone. Probably.

*

“Never have I ever had to leave guaranteed action to look for a condom for over an hour. In Bath.”

“Yes,” James says quietly. “That has happened to me. As you know.”

“Well, I’ve never done that,” Ed says throatily, distractingly dipping his fingers in and out of the waistband of James’s boxers. “Always be prepared. In fact, I have one in my wallet right now.”

“Oh,” James says in a tight voice. “Good, great, that’s… You never know when you might need one.” Ed’s so close, leaning over him like this. He’s had to have noticed, by now, that James is hard, a visible bulge distending the material of his underwear. He realises he’s waiting for Ed to finish stripping him, and that he’s not waiting in horror. Far from it. Hopefully they’ll never have to actually talk about how he’s feeling in this exact moment.

Ed, the bastard, is still dressed, bar both of his socks. (Turns out he has kissed someone and had sex with someone before. James had got fed up with his tactic of more specific and outlandish questions getting him nowhere.) 

“Mate,” Ed says in his ear, close. “I’m not going to get you completely naked until you actually indicate at some point that that’s what you want me to do.”

“I’m still here,” James says spikily. “It wasn’t a compulsory game.”

“That’s not good enough,” Ed says. The sweep of his eyelashes are distracting in James’s line of vision so he looks down, only to see one of Ed’s large hands languidly undip out of the waistband of his underwear again and slide over towards his covered erection.

“Jesus Christ, Ed, would you just do it,” James bites out. “If I wait any longer, I’ll explode.”

“Bit ungrateful,” Ed smiles, “but it’ll do”. James feels a curiously overwhelming feeling roll over him of how they _look_ like this as he lifts up his hips and Ed, achingly slowly, slides James’s boxer shorts down, his hard cock springing up once the fabric is pulled away, until they’re off completely and on the floor. Now James is completely naked and Ed is basically fully clothed but James likes how he feels from that, like he’s at Ed’s mercy.

Ed’s really taking his time, for some unknown, maddening reason: he’s raking his gaze up and down James’s body, then starts staring at his cock, which is red and wet against his stomach.

“So, the game’s over,” Ed says thoughtfully, still staring. “What do you want to do now?”

“Twister?” James asks. He’s an idiot. He doesn’t know how to deal with this, especially as he barely feels drunk anymore. All areas of his brain other than ‘desperately turned on’ and ‘deflection through humour’ have gone offline, and he’s not keen on voicing the first one. “Scrabble?”

“Tell me exactly what you want,” Ed says, staring right at him, and the images come up again of Ed, mouth open, on his knees.

“I want you to put your mouth… I want you to suck me,” James says. Ed smiles again, and goes to suck at the inner skin of James’s thigh.

“Obviously I didn’t mean _there_,” James says once Ed pulls away, dazedly looking with heart-beating wonder at the smarting mark that’s been left there.

“Was that not good?”

“It was… good,” James mumbles. “But if you could just… Are you _really_ going to be this stubborn about this?” he says to Ed’s wide-eyed feigned ignorance. 

“Look who’s talking,” Ed responds. James chances a look and he sees with a keen jump of excitement that Ed’s hard too, under his jeans. And yet Ed hasn’t so much as put a hand to himself, at least as far as James has noticed.

James covers his face to muster the courage. “I want you to suck my – oh, god – my cock,” he says. Ed’s mouth deigns to slide down to the wet head and suck, but he’s pulled back off again in moments. James’s hips hitch up in frustration, knocking Ed on the chin.

“If you don’t say exactly you want,” Ed says against his skin, and James uncovers his eyes again. “You’re not getting it.”

There’s that feeling again: of being toyed with, undercut by genuine, exhilarating affection. It makes a part of him never want this to end, but he has another part that’s ultimately being more persuasive.

James preposterously, considering the situation, clears his throat before saying: “I want you to suck my cock until I come.” 

“I love it when you talk like that,” Ed says. “Luckily for you, that’s exactly what I want too.”

*

So he does.


End file.
